Andrew was a bright and capable student in my American Literature class; but I hoped the parent conference would help to improve his behavior. He socialized in class, did little work, and refused to complete his assignments. While the class was working on a project, he leaned his chair back against the wall and and joked with his classmate (who was working). His loud laughter was annoying. I called him over to speak to him privately. In a low voice, I asked, "Why aren't you working on the project?" He shrugged his shoulders. "'Cause I don't want to." "Why not? Is there something you don't understand about it? I'll help you if..." "I know how to do the project. I just don't want to do it." I sighed. (Sometimes, you have to take a cleansing breath.) "You know...we're going to have to schedule a parent conference to see..." "Go ahead! Set up a parent conference. My parents don't love me! They probably won't even come." He replied, his arms outstretched. One of his classmates overheard our conversation. The boy turned around and gave Andrew an understanding smile.
For some reason, I felt angry. "Well, you need to go home and tell your parents you deserve to be loved! You're a good person and you can succeed if you want to. But you can't come here and disrupt my class just because your parents don't love you!" He stared at me, and for a moment, I felt awful. My Sagittarius self had taken over and I had spoken my truth in a blunt and brutally honest way. But his voice was soft and he lowered his voice when he said, "Okay, Ms. Jeanty. I'll do my work." "Hey...I'm sorry if I offended you." "No...You're right. It's okay." He went back to his seat and worked on the project. I had my class back, but I didn't relax until the parent conference was confirmed.
During the conference, Andrew's mother laughed nervously. She had four children and all of them were great--never gave any trouble. Andrew was the only one who was "different." Whenever he was told to do something, he always needed an explanation. He questioned everything and everything usually turned into an argument when he didn't get the answer he wanted. He was disrespectful and insulted family members. She tried to talk to him, but he didn't listen. She and her husband wanted to send him back to India to finish out the school year; but he refused to go. I didn't tell her that her son felt unloved. Secretly, I was proud of him. There's nothing wrong with asking questions and obtaining clear explanations. I decided to let Andrew know that I thought he asked intelligent questions. I would make sure I answered all of his questions and I would listen carefully to his comments. I would tell him I thought he had a great sense of humor. Andrew's behavior improved and he became respectful and cooperative. When he asked a question, I was patient and made sure he understood. By the end of the year, Andrew had completed all of his work and earned a B in the class.
"Different" or "Rebellious"?
Why did I empathize with Andrew? Because I think being different is okay. The class had just completed a unit on Thoreau, and I had encouraged students to "march to the beat of a different drummer." Having been a child of the 60s and 70s, I celebrated differences. I thought "different" meant unique, original, and forward-thinking. In elementary school, children are told to celebrate their uniqueness. Even before going to school, children are told they are wonderful because they are unique. Preschool children are told: "You are special" and "There's no one else like you." Children are taught to celebrate their differences.
So why do parents expect their teens to conform? Is it a control issue? Is it a fear that the teen is going to end up becoming self-destructive or destructive towards others? Some parents can't tell the difference between the teen who is unique and the teen who is rebellious. Parents criticize their teens for being "different"; however, it's normal for teens to express their individuality as they explore who they are. Teenagers are standing on a bridge between childhood and adulthood. As they cross that bridge, they're experimenting with different aspects of themselves. Many parents may say "different" when they may be thinking "rebellious." I decided to obtain a definition of what it means to be rebellious.
re·bel·lious
[ri-bel-yuhs]
adjective
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rebellious
1. defying or resisting some established authority, government, or tradition; insubordinate; inclined to rebel.
2.pertaining to or characteristic of rebels or rebellion.
3. (of things) resisting treatment; refractory.
Is your child being rebellious?
Sometimes, adults forget what it was like to be a teenager. Don't forget! Revisiting your teen years will help you to reconnect with your adolescent. It's easier to empathize if you let your teen know that you have not forgotten the times of uncertainty, the questioning of authority, and the need for validation. That's the way your teen can develops self-awareness and a personal set of values. I don't believe there is a "typical" teenager; therefore, it's perfectly okay for a teen to be "different." What is not okay if for a teenager to come to my class and resist the learning process because they don't feel loved or accepted by the people in their lives. So parents have to make sure their teens know they are loved and appreciated!
Here are some excellent articles on teen behavior:
Typical Teen Behavior – Is This Normal?
Understanding Adolescent Development While Parenting Teenagers
http://kelly-pfeiffer.suite101.com/typical-teen-behavior-is-this-normal-a184093#ixzz1s7rgbLbz
Typical Teenage Behaviors and Attitudes
http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/behavioral-problems/39350.html
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